My First Five Husbands...and the ones who got away

blog by: kim

“This is about the men I have known, both in  the platonic and biblical senses. Some I knew only slightly, some quite well. Some I’ll love always, some I no longer like very much, and there are a few I’d like to strip naked, tie to a maypole, smear with sweet syrup near a beehive, then stand back and watch. I will describe these men, keeping the nicest man for last. There were times when I wondered, Lord will I ever get it right? Thank god I thrive on variety” ~Rue McClanahan from the book My First Five Husbands…And The Ones Who Got Away

I’m no Rue McClanahan. Did you think I was referring to myself with the five husband reference? No. But I will say that being the wandering spirit that I was through my life, I have had my share of romantic relationships and experiences that even I am a little in awe of. I’m glad I took the leaps of faith for the most part. Some of you were good, some bad, some complete creeps. (what was I thinking?) The following are my own personal, true stories... with names withheld to protect the innocent. There was a husband or two, a couple of fiancés that I’ll remember fondly and boyfriends. I never had a “type” of man. I have had the pleasure of spending a couple of years with a starving artist, my ph.d doctor husband,  a sportscaster and even a semi-rock star sprinkled in for good measure. Each taught me a different lesson. Each a very different man.

Ph.d  Doctor –you gave me Experience and Culture Thank you for the years of showing me great works of art, traveling the to Europe and other far away places where they drive on the opposite side of the road. Thank you for the stamps in my passport book. Thank you for introducing me to fancy foods I couldn’t pronounce. And thank you for the realization that I could hold my own in a conversation with intellectually superior people who used very large words to make a point. I hope I didn’t embarrass you and I hope you forgive me for my young, carefree spirit and how I eventually moved on. I was all of 23.

Semi-Rock Star- you taught me Reality  “Mr. Guitar Man” we shall call him had the privilege of playing background guitar on a couple of tours with famous bands. (names and dates still withheld to protect the innocent, remember?) I had known him since I was 17 and revisited the relationship again 15 years later. Not smart. The talent he had on the guitar was not there as my “other half”. I have a way of building men up in my head to be so much more than they actually are. Thank you “Mr. Guitar Man” for that cold, hard smack of reality. It was six months in when I realized I still hadn’t gotten it right. And with a heavy heart, I bid you adieu.

Emily’s daddy/Ex husband- you taught me Humility and Strength This is one of the most defining marriages I had. It broke me. At 26, I thought you were a great love. I was never the type of girl that wanted to be a soccer mom. To marry, have 2.5 children, drive a mini van and sell tupperware. My one child with you was my attempt at being a mommy. You gave me Emily and for that I am grateful. She will be the only child I’ll ever have . I love my little "emily sue who" very much. One is enough, thank you.  If i'd known we'd split like we did, I would have thought twice. Pure humility. I didn't see it coming. If only I’d known you wouldn't be there when she took her first step, or say her first word. But from this I found the strength to get up and take care of Emily by myself. I was much stronger than I thought I’d be. I hope you and Emily grow close as she grows up, because we get better as the years go by don't we?

To my sportscaster boyfriend who’s ego was a wee bit too big for his britches, being on tv does not make you a good boyfriend. Why not just date yourself then?  To the Real Estate Mogel who never knew how to relax and to the starving artist, who’s talent has gone unnoticed and who is probably still starving - I thank you for your time and for your hearts. Some of you are happily married now, others are still single. I wish you happiness. And to the assholes whom I should have never looked twice at (you know who you are) your poor excuses of men. Some of you are real head cases. Invest in a good shrink.

I’ll wrap up with this: I don’t like when people say “I have no regrets in my life” That’s nonsense. That means that you either made perfect decisions or your dumb ass didn’t learn from your mistakes. Mistakes? I have had a few with men. I have regrets, yes. I also took a leap of faith and got to experience some great places and people and had the honor of knowing some amazing souls. And I’m still in awe of the 50 year marriages. It's amazing . As I make my way in this world, my ideas of love have evolved and matured. Love is a journey through a beguiling wilderness. We all travel down different paths, so don’t judge one another. We all have different lessons to learn and we are doing the best we can. And we are, perfectly….still.

For the single ladies: My Dating Tip #1

Man Collecting: Men are fun to look at, but some can be temperamental and  some bite. Hold out your hand so they can sniff you first. Some are sweet puppies, others snarling pit bulls. So choose wisely girls and always look for a good breeder. Trust me, I have known a few.

“I only like two kinds of men.- foreign and domestic” Mae West